7 Ways to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teenager

 

We’re not there yet as parents…..but having worked with many teenagers in the past I know that we will need all the help we can get during this period of our kid’s lives. 

In fact I’ve got two sets of parents who survived the teenage years successfully, lined up to give us advice in the future. Maybe this should be our starting point for this article then.  So before you do anything else, think of two or three sets of parents you know who have had teenagers, who survived it well, and whose kids turned out great on the other side.  At some stage call them up and ask them what they did well, and what they could have done better, and take the time to learn from someone who’s been in the trenches already.

We all want to have great relationships with our kids and none of us can predict how those teenage years will go.  A lot of it we won’t be able to control, but listed below are some things we can have an influence over.

1. Connect with them – for at least a short amount of time each day and then for one-on-one time on a weekly basis. Show interest in their live, what they are doing and what they like. Be fully present – one of the most difficult to achieve and precious gifts you can give to your child is to give them your full attention. Show interest in their interests – play their favourite computer game with them, check out their favourite app, watch their tennis match on the weekend, listen to them practice an instrument.
2. Tell them you love them – you are their anchor, their foundation during this time of fluctuation and exploration. Knowing they are loved for who they are, and not what they wear, look like, or how good their academic results are gives them the confidence to be themselves in a time in their life when everyone around them is pulling them in different directions and trying to define them.
3. Be consistent – Be the harness on the rollercoaster of life. That doesn’t mean stopping them from doing anything, it means making sure you will be a part of their life that is solid and immoveable. Keep your rules and boundaries with them consistent so that they know where they stand. Their emotional world is going up and down and round and round, be that solid anchor of consistency, and expect that sometimes they won’t like it.
4. Have meals together – Eating together is a great way to connect. We do it with our friends, and our extended families at Christmas, it is a great idea to eat meals with your kids. It may take a bit more planning in their teenage years when you take sport, hobbies, study and their social lives into account.  Meals are a good time for chatting about their day, sharing about yours and you have a captive audience.  Also it is a good opportunity to connect with their friends.  Having their friends over a mealtimes is a good way to engage them.  Sometimes standing having a chat with your children’s friends can be an awkward way of trying to get to know them, but everyone loves to eat.
5. Ask their opinion – You might see something on the news, hear something on the radio, or have seen something happen during the day, ask them their opinion on what they thought about it. I grew up in a house where Dad was the fountain of all knowledge and experience so there wasn’t much room for our opinions. If you listen to them, take them seriously, and respect their point of view (even if you don’t agree with it) they are more likely to listen to you when you need them too.  All people feel respected and included when they are asked their opinion, listened to and taken seriously, no matter what the context.
6. Encourage them – Everyone loves to be encouraged, just make sure you make it meaningful. Give them positive comments, write them a note, notice when they do something good and compliment them. Most of all though keep it honest and keep it real.  Encouragement is seeing the best in your kids in a during in a time in their life where it will probably be the most difficult.
7. Review boundaries and give more freedom – As your teen gets older you will want to review the boundaries you have put in place. Especially if they have been doing the right thing by you by respecting those boundaries, it means that by showing responsibility they have earned more freedom.
8. Listen, ask, respond – You’ve got two ears and one mouth, listen twice as much as you respond or give your opinion. Try to get into the habit of listening to what your teenager has to say, ask questions about why they did or didn’t do something, and once they have had an adequate chance to describe, explain, and share, only then do you get to offer your opinion or response. This takes a lot of self-control, but if you can do it, your response will hopefully be more constructive and compassionate.  The more you do this, the more your teenager will feel like they “want” to talk to you because they believe you are really interested in what they have to say. Teenagers love it when they are the focus of your time and energy, even if they don’t  show it.

What you will also find is that once you have listened and tried to understand your teen, they will be much more inclined to want to hear whatever it is you have to say.

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