The twelve year old boy covered his ears, dropped to the floor and groaned out an embarrassed “Noooooooooo!!!” Dad just mentioned “Sex” and “talk” in the same sentence. It didn’t start well.
This true story is one that many parents will relate to as their kids go through that stage of life leading up to teenagehood. The “sex” talk is one of the biggies that can freak us out, let alone our kids, but it is only one of a number of important conversations we need to continue to have with them as they grow from children into teenagers and then into adults.
As there is too much detail to put all 5 conversations in one article School Mum has decided to post them individually over the next few weeks. To kick off the series though let’s look at the conversation that’s freaking you and possibly your kids out the most…
The “Talk”
Yep the ‘sex’ talk. The birds and the bees (who actually calls it that anyway?), the “no dating till you’re 25 and wear a potato sack to the school dance” talk. We live in the age of the internet, and we all know what’s on the internet, and I’m not talking about Facebook. If they don’t find out about sex from you, their parent, in a healthy and constructive way, then they WILL find out about it from their teenage peers, or the internet (which is where most of their teenage peers will have got their information anyway). So there’s a choice, tell them what you think and what you know about healthy sex and relationships, what to expect and how to treat others and be treated, or let porn on the internet be their tutor. If you think that porn might be a fine sex educator for your child then look up “PornTube” for a real education about the world of online sex?
Having said all this, before we get into how to have the Talk let’s redefine it a bit. Sex is only one aspect of a broader conversation we need to have with our kids about relationships, puberty and their bodies. Kids are fascinated by relationships anyway and particularly girls who tend to mature earlier. Think of it this way, it’s easier to talk about relationships in general first, then their bodies, then puberty and once you’ve set these foundations any discussion about sex won’t be as big a leap to make.
Talk early and talk often. A number of publications emphasise that it easier in the long run to establish communication about these issues as early as possible in your child’s life. If you establish an open and comfortable conversation early on then when it comes to crunch time in the teenage years it won’t be such a curveball for you to be talking to your children about it. If there is open trusting non-judgmental communication they may even come to you with questions.
A really good framework for any of these essential conversations with your child includes:
- Timing – car rides can be good, or anywhere you have their full attention and privacy
- Think in advance about how you’re going to approach the topic
- Be honest about what it’s like for you to be talking about it with them.
- Ask your child what they think?
- Listen to what they have to say, and use clarifying questions to make sure you’re hearing them properly.
- Don’t overreact or be dismissive either. They might throw you some curveball questions that catch you by surprise, or admit to things they’ve done or seen that take you by surprise….stay calm.
For those who want to look into it in a bit more detail the Department of Health in Western Australia has put out a pdf publication called “Talk Soon Talk Often” and it is available via a link on the following page: https://healthywa.wa.gov.au/Articles/S_T/Talk-soon-Talk-often
We’ll finish with this quote from the same website.
“You and your family are the most important source of sexuality and relationship information for your children. More than anyone else, you will lay the foundations for well adjusted, confident and healthy children who go on to experience positive relationships”.
