I was about to write an article about telling you how counting down 5,4,3,2,1 after asking your kids to do something would help you explode less as a parent. However, after doing a bit of research on the topic I have realised my advice to you would have been misplaced.
The idea with the 5,4,3,2,1 countdown is to give your kids the count of five as a timeframe to act before a more serious consequence kicks in. It does actually work for our kids, it’s kind of like a Pavlov’s Dog response where the sound of the count switches part of their brain into following an instruction. It has worked for us because we started it with them from a young age, so they instinctually know that we mean business when we start counting. But counting like this, as I have discovered, can be problematic….
The countdown technique conditions your kids to respond only when you until you start counting down. I think this is the case with our middle child Miss 6. I will often have to ask her multiple times to go to the shower. Because of this I begin to get frustrated, and eventually I will start the countdown in a more agitated state. When I do countdown however she stops what she is doing and runs up to the shower. However, because of my counting down she has learnt that I am not serious until I start counting. Therefore she often ignores the first couple of time I ask her to do something, or thinks I am not serious. Hmmmm!! This actually makes a lot of sense. No wonder she is not listening the first time, and I am getting frustrated.
So what’s an alternative? After reading a few different things, a good solution I came across went as follows. When you need your child to do something get down on their level and ask them calmly what you need them to do. Then tell them the consequence if they don’t follow the instruction eg. no dessert, going to bed early, or whatever it is that you think will be appropriate but effective for the particular situation. The calm voice is really important to avoid escalating the power struggle. Then, if they don’t follow your instruction follow through with the consequence.
They might have a tanty, get upset, sulk, say you’re being unfair etc, and as long as they are not hurting anyone or anything, let them. What you need to do is ignore the behaviour and keep going doing whatever it was that you were doing. Eventually they will calm down and will have learnt that you mean what you say. Remember you are their teacher, whether you follow through or not teaches them what they can get away with.
If they throw a tantrum that causes you to change your mind then you are teaching them exactly that. That they have the power to change your mind by throwing a tantrum.
Another option is to give them a choice i.e. tell them they have the choice to go to the shower now, or to miss out on watching their favourite show, for example. Giving them a choice actually gives them some form of power in the decision making process. Therefore if there is a consequence then it happens because they have chosen it. Once again it is essential to follow through with the consequence even in the face of the dreaded tantrum beast. “What do you mean follow through with the consequence, you mean I actually have to have self discipline as a parent and do what I said I would do? Far out!!! Yes it can be difficult to follow through sometimes, but don’t be fooled by that bottom lip, those sweet tears from the waterfalls of the angels themselves, the screaming and manifesting, body contorting, the cries of pain and torture. Do what you said you would do or your words will become meaningless. Kids can spot this from 100 kilometres, they are like wild animals looking for any signs of weakness to exploit and you parents are the unsuspecting prey, lol!!
Well, thanks school mums, and dads if you are reading this too. Writing this article today has helped me change the way I do parenting. Instead of being some know-it-all who was going to give you a piece of what I thought was good parenting advice, I have discovered that while what I am currently doing works to a certain extent, that long term it is not the most effective way to get my kids to follow instructions and that there is actually a better way.
