It was a typical Sunday afternoon at Nanna and Grandpa’s house. The cousins were playing nicely together and Aunty Sarah (not her real name) arrived with some early Christmas presents (She’s from Melbourne and wouldn’t be around on Dec 25th this year). Anyway each of the cousins received their present and they opened them together. Initially they were all happy, but not too shortly afterwards some disagreements sparked after a couple of them wanted what the other person had. This is the point at where I usually lose it and fantasise about grabbing the disputed gifts and ritually burning them in a huge plastic melting bonfire, while dancing around it singing (to the tune of Farmer in the Dell) “be happy with what you got, be happy with what you got, close your mouth you’ve lost the lot, be happy with what you got”.
Is this the phenomenon that many are referring to in recent times as Entitlement? Entitlement is defined as the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something, and not just something but exactly what you want. Part of me realises that if my kids do have an entitlement problem it’s because they get so much stuff. Whether it’s being spoilt by their aunties and grandparents or just living in an age of lots of things, they are expecting to get something at every turn almost, and if they’re not happy with it well……
Entitlement is actually more complex than the example given above, which could also be put down to spoilt brat behaviour. Amy Mcreedy in her book The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World, talks about 9 behaviours that indicate the level of a child’s entitlement problem:
- Expects bribes or rewards for good behavior.
- Rarely lifts a finger to help.
- Is more concerned about himself than others.
- Passes blame when things go wrong.
- Can’t handle disappointment.
- Needs a treat to get through the store.
- Expects to be rescued from his mistakes.
- Feels like the rules don’t apply.
- Constantly wants more…and more.
How does it happen?
People get used to things if they’re exposed to them often enough and they become a normal part of life. It’s actually not rocket science. Kids get used to what they see or do every day. Let’s call it the Kid’s Theory of Relativity. Whatever I have is good or bad, not based in fact, but relative to all of the things and experiences around me. Whether it’s the kind of sneakers everyone else is wearing, the size of other people’s houses, or whether they get a gift for being good every time they go to the shops with you, kids get used to getting things, it ends up being wired into their little brains.
It’s like the boy in Kenya who is happy and excited to be running around playing with his toy car made out of coat hangers. He does it for hours on end and never complains of being bored once. Meanwhile on the weekend my kids were given great presents from their Aunty but after ten minutes were arguing about who wanted to swap presents with who, “Why did they get a Shopkin, and I only got a colouring book?” (the colouring book being worth a lot more mind you). The boy in Kenya doesn’t know any different and is happy with his coat hanger car. He knows how much effort went in to making it.
Our kids are so used to getting stuff that when they receive something new it becomes white noise amongst the glut of other stuff they have already.
Some of the causes:
Getting too many things too often. We are guilty of this. There’s a combination of factors involved including doting grandparents who are very generous, my wife’s job which includes constant samples of thing coming in the door to be tried and tested, and I personally am guilty of buying them something every time they come grocery shopping with me (usually a squeezy yoghurt or a salami stick). I know I need to stop this habit.
Paying kids for household chores can create a transaction mentality rather than a contribution mentality. “What can I get out of it?”, rather than “how can I contribute?”. (Note to self: No more pocket money for household chores like unpacking the dishwasher).
Children can also get a false sense of entitlement by being praised for things too often, and getting rewards for tasks that they should be doing as part of the normal expectations of life. There’s nothing wrong with rewarding their achievements and doing well, however it becomes a problem when you reward what is just the expected norm.
Some potential solutions:
Avoid your kids getting all of the things all of the time – it’s hard I know, especially with generous and doting relatives who mean well, stopping kids being spoilt can be difficult ground to negotiate. If we, their parents, are giving them too much however, that’s something we have control over.
Take opportunities to serve others and do it with your kids e.g. clean up Australia day, visit your older neighbours. When our kids go to their grandparents house all the kids do is take and expect. What if we took them over there once in a while just to do jobs for them, like weeding the garden? Now that would be a radical change of outlook.
Do Random Acts of Kindness e.g ask neighbours if you and the kids can take the wheelie bins out for them on bin day. Put an encouraging note under a stranger’s windscreen wiper.
Take them on a trip to a country that has a high level of disadvantage. Not orphanage tourism, but a glimpse and experience of the wider not so privileged world is important for their perspective on how fortunate they are to live in Australia and have what they have.
Don’t pay your kids for chores that help with the everyday functioning of the household. Tell them it’s part of their role as a member of the family to contribute to looking after the house.
Practice Gratitude. Help your kids to focus on the good things they have in their life, and that happen every day. At dinner time ask them to tell you something good that happened today, or something they are thankful for today.
All of these actions can contribute towards changing a child’s perspective of the world around them and their place in it. That it is not just about them receiving all of the time but giving to others also. Ultimately though it starts with us, their parents. We have to help them learn to be grateful, thankful and not just focussed on what they can get, by leading with an un-entitled perspective of our own.
Sources:
- Amy Mcreedy from “9 signs your child has entitlement issues“
- Susan Newman – Psychology Today, 2015.
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