This article is a response to a recent School Mum parent question about one of their children, as follows:
“I need some advice re. my introvert son. I have a 14 year old boy who is a loner and spend[s]a lot of time in his room, doing school work and playing games etc. He loves it. He has one friend (which is amazing because this boy does the most work in the friendship). He only takes part in school activities when he absolutely has to. He is happy to share with us, what is happening at school, he loves doing family activities (beach, movies, hiking, cycling) with us, as long as it is not where he has to communicate with other people and kids (like bbq), and the teachers are happy with him, and saying that he is sociably at school and that he has lots of friends. He has 2 other brothers, and they get along well. He takes part in one sport a year. We feel he needs to have more interest and should take part in activities. We are concerned that one day in work life he will have trouble to fit in the workplace, not learning communication skills, etc, etc. No one else in the family are introverts. My question is to all the other introverts and parents with introverts. What is normal introvert behaviour and what is not? When am I helping, by making him go to activities and when am I going against his need of own space?”
There will be a response to this question at the end of the article.
What exactly is an Introvert?
As I understand it the term introvert refers to someone who gets their energy, or recharges their emotional batteries, from spending time alone or with one or two familiar people (who don’t talk to them too much lol!!). This understanding of introvert is based on the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. “Myers-Briggs” as it is more commonly referred to is a personality test based on Jungian psychology theory and is a used to help people understand themselves and how they operate in a group context.
The majority of people (between 50% to 70%) in society are known as extroverts and therefore the rest (30% to 50%) are introverts. What’s the difference you ask? For example after a day at school an extrovert might go and seek out other kids to play with, whereas an introvert might prefer a solitary activity such as computer game time. As mentioned above being an introvert or extrovert is about how a person recharges their emotional batteries.
As the writer of this article I need to tell you that I (school dad) am an introvert and my wife and eldest daughter are significant extroverts. Our middle daughter is probably more of an introvert and our two year old, well he’s only two but he does love being with people.
Some Helpful Insights
Here’s a couple of helpful insights into the introvert type personality (note that these are generalisations rather than specific to individuals):
- Introverts are not verbal processors, they need to think before they speak. Having an argument with an introvert will be very one sided towards the extrovert, but the introvert will generally come back later with a well reasoned and thoughtful response.
- If introverts have been with a lot of people for a period of time, they will often retreat (seek their own space) afterwards as a way of recharging.
- Introverts tend to like smaller more intimate social situations rather than large parties. If they are at a large event there needs to be enough people for them to remain anonymous (particularly if they don’t know anyone).
- Introverts are not big talkers in general conversation but will have a lot to say about topics they are interested in.
- Introverts tend to be more insightful as they spend a lot of time observing and reflecting on the world around them.
- They generally have fewer friends, but those friendships tend to be quite close.
- Introverts cannot simply be expected to become extroverts, they just have a different way of handling things.
- Introverts tend to thrive in the online world because the style of communication allows them to think through what is being said.
- Lastly, and very importantly, introverts come in all shapes and sizes and are not all quiet and shy. Some introverts can appear very energetic in certain situations and roles, however they will need significant time to recharge afterwards.
How to Relate to an Introverted Child
If you think your introverted child doesn’t want to talk, maybe you’re not giving them enough space in the conversation to talk, or you’re not talking to them about what they are interested in.
Give them space to process a disagreement, don’t get all up in their face about it. Maybe come back the next day, or let them come back to you later.
Realise that if you are doing an activity with the whole family or a large group that they might need some space afterwards.
They don’t need to be alone all of the time. They do actually like people but not too many at once, and it could depend on what type of day they’ve had. For example, as a teacher if I arrive home from school in the afternoon and there are three extra kids at our house for a play-date and their parents are there to pick them up, my inner introvert is thinking about how to best sneak into the house without being seen.
Accept and celebrate them as they are, do some more research into introverts and how they think, feel and relate to others, especially if you the parent are an extrovert.
Things to look out for:
- Encourage them to take responsibility for social interactions eg maintaining friendships.
- Avoiding interactions with others is different from just not seeking them out.
Response to Question from the beginning of the article:
The person who asked the question at the beginning of the article had some very good reflections about her child. That his teachers were happy with his social interactions at school, he gets on well with his brothers, he does have friends, he loves family activities. All of these seem like indicators of a fairly normal and well functioning child with an introvert type personality. As for extra activities, perhaps encourage him to find something he enjoys that involves some level of social interaction e.g. If he likes computers, is there a computer club that involves being in a room with others and not just online?
The term Introvert has been mis-understood for too long. Remember, introverts are normal healthy human beings who recharge their emotional batteries by being alone rather than with others. They tend to be more insightful than extroverts as they process the world inwardly and they enjoy talking when it is about subjects they are interested in. They are not usually fans of “chit-chat” or talking for the sake of it. At their worst they can isolate themselves and sometimes need to be challenged about putting effort into friendships and being sociable, just as extroverts sometimes need to be challenged about spending some time reflecting on life rather than being continually busy.
